Them!

Oh no! Giant ants!

Wait... no.
Sorry, wrong them.

The future in-laws!!!!

You've heard the stories.  The mom is a nightmare, the dad will kill you if you blink impolitely.  Best to avoid them, right?

Wrong.

You must not avoid her family. As a matter of fact, jump at it the first chance you get.  You will likely find out that they are, in fact, not soul sucking alien clown vampires from the depths of the ocean.  They might even be, dare I say it, fun. After all, they raised the person you're with.

Now a few notes to help. 
First: be respectful of them. They raised this woman you are in love with. They obviously succeeded, so keep that in mind.
Second: be respectful of their daughter.  This doesn't just mean to be courteous when talking to her.  It means keeping in mind what is appropriate to talk about and keeping her comfort in mind as well.
Third: this is a job interview.  Showing up stoned, drunk, dirty, or unshaven will not benefit you.  You don't have to be clean shaven, just trim it up and be presentable.
Fourth: avoid the big three topics. For those who don't know, these are: Politics, Religion, and Sex.
Fifth: always remember that if everything goes well, you are eventually going to be asking them for permission to wed their daughter and join the family.

Okay so now we have some basics. On to the fun stuff!  Get to know them. Listen to what they talk about and add things in. Or, my personal favorite, sneak the check at a family dinner.  No, really, this is the party game for everyone to enjoy.  The key here is that you have to respect the parents. If they snag the check first, it's game over. So, points if you get the check and can keep it away from them long enough to pay it.  Bonus if they ask the wait staff for the check because they don't know you've already paid it.

Here are some tips to get started. When you arrive at the restaurant, watch the wait staff. You are trying to determine the path they take from the kitchen to whatever table you get. Once you get a table, take an end seat that gives you line of sight to the kitchen. When the meal is over, get a dessert.  While the server is getting the dessert, quietly get your payment card out of your wallet below the table.  When the server comes out of the kitchen, hold the card in your palm, below the table, and turn the front toward the kitchen.   Keeping the card below the table and out of sight of your family, wiggle the card toward the server. The idea here is to catch their eye so they see the card and know what it is.  If done properly, the server will set the dessert on the table in front of everyone and will lower their hand by the end of the table. Slip the card into their hand and then wait for the check, and the fun, to begin.

Change it up and have fun.  One other thing: if they are taking you out for a special reason, such as your birthday, it is poor form to steal the check.

A special thanks to my in-laws for putting up with me and all my fum with this game.  You guys are awesome.

The Check Reach Hypothesis

At what point in a relationship does it become okay for a man to stop paying for everything?

Some might say a year.  Others, perhaps, would say 5 years.  Many might agree with it being okay only after combining bank accounts. A few might ask why the man should pay for everything at any point.  (If you find yourself in this last group, I would say you are either in the right place or about to ignore everything I say.)

There is actually a very simple answer to this question. The man should stop paying for everything when paying for everything becomes expected of him rather than appreciated.

This solves a lot of problems about who pays for what. Quite simply, if she is your queen, why should she pay? 

If you are knee deep in arguments about working hard to make money and are about to talk about what she does or does not do, stop.  Relationships have never been a balance game or a zero-sum game.  Both parties give 100% of what they can at any given time.  Percentages are a wonderful thing. If I have 10 dollars and give up 10, I have given 100% and I am now broke.  You may have 20 dollars.  If you give 10 away, you have matched me in amount but not percentage.  This is important because while some might stick on that amount, the effort and sacrifice is going to be perceived on a percentage level.  I gave up everything I had; you only gave up half.

Let's picture a world where intent was as good as currency. In this world, both parties would put forth an honest offer to pay with every intent to do so if the other person said okay.  In this world, because both parties made a real bid to pay for both, neither had to pay anything. 

Coming back to our world, both people should offer to pay.  Both should reach for the check. It is only fair.  If you both value each other's time and company, why should one pay for the experience and not the other?  In these situations, there are some governing rules that decide who actually gets the check.  First rule: the guy pays.  Second rule: birthdays and instances when the girl has specifically stated she was taking you out are excluded from the first rule.  Third rule: showing off about taking the check is poor form.

See? Simple.  So when does a guy not have to pay the whole check for a date?  When it stops being a date. If the person sitting across from you expects you to pay because they decided to bless you with their presence, they don't respect you and you are not required to gift them any food.  Notice there is an intent aspect here.  My wife doesn't always reach for the check when we go out. She will, however, always make it clear (without explicitly stating it) that she would have taken care of it if I had let her. 

Oh please, sir, stop blathering on and just make it simple...

Fine.  Here is how this should go:
Check arrives at the table. 
Both people begin to reach for it (with intent to pay (no faking)).
Man says something like "I'll take care of that."
Woman thanks the man.

No matter who ends up paying, reach for the check.  If you get the check, pay it.  If you don't, thank the other person for their kindness.  Either way, you have received a great gift.  Cherish the person across from you who sees you as a partner and friend, rather than a wallet with legs.

Does this make me look fat?

There is one question that simply isn't fair no matter who asks it. No matter what the answer, you are either in trouble or assumed to be lying.

So what can you do?  Chances are you don't think she is fat. However, getting her to believe that and understand how you feel is a difficult task.

The solution, believe it or not, is simply not to try. She isn't looking for you to convince her she isn't fat. She is looking for you to connect with her and acknowledge her fear. You don't need to confirm or deny it.

Women are shown, over and over, an unrealistic idea of what some people consider to be beauty.   The image they see is neither realistic, nor beautiful. To them, these images are beaten in until they become some horrible, twisted, half-truths. 

So when she asks if something makes her look fat, tell her it doesn't. Explain to her something you know to be true: no matter what someone else sees as beautiful, she is the most beautiful person in the world to you.  You wouldn't be with her if it were otherwise.  Then, if she isn't convinced, listen to what she wants to do to feel better; ask her what is bothering her specifically and really listen to her response.

Don't rush her response and don't be dismissive. Remember, to her, this is important to how she feels. Your opinions don't matter now. You may feel that she is completely wrong, but if you speak up now, you will never be right.  She needs you to hear her out. Once you have, and once she is done, have her set a goal. Now, commit yourself to helping her work towards whatever goal she sets.  

While struggling through this giant mine field, remember your English classes and the lectures on arguing a point. You must always be willing to acknowledge valid points made by the other side, even if you don't like them.
-Accept what she feels as a fact. Not that it is true, but the fact that she feels that way and that it is valid for her to have her own opinion.
-Strive to understand why she feels that way.
-Explain your own opinion, remembering that it is no more valid than hers.
-Find common ground.  What can you both agree on?
-Seek a common goal.  What do you both find realistic that is in line with her desire to eliminate her insecurities and also concurrs with your opinions?

Once you have aligned yourself with her, shown that you are supportive in helping her achieve what will make her happy, you will have a chance to talk about what you think of her feelings. She has to know, first and foremost, that you are willing to listen to her and understand her viewpoint. Only then can she accept that there may be another valid opinion.