For my wife

Lets start by saying:  I get plenty of credit for what I do. 

As the so-called breadwinner, I have clearly defined goals in my job that result in clearly defined compensation.   I bring home that compensation and it is credited as part of my contribution to the family.  Working the longer hours job, I struggle with a lot of things. I spend a lot of time away and I know that I dont do as much at home as I should. I come home tired from work (mentally, sometimes physically too) and dont get myself moving so well. I dont spend as much time with my family as I would like and I dont take care of the kids as much as I would like.  Most importantly I dont get to see you as much as I would like. 

I fight through each day knowing that I am providing a good life for my family and that I am trying hard to be a good husband.  I wake up at 4:30 and go to bed late so I can see you.  I work hard to bring home money and try to make sure I dont bring work home with me.  I do the cooking when we cook at home, and I try to do some of the laundry too.  On occasion I vacuum and mop and maybe get a bit wild and dust.  In the evenings i get the kids fed and down for bed when i can so that you can take it easy. 

So, why do I do all this? 

Because I know that when I woke up I had at least 15 minutes to collect my wits, you probably woke to a screaming child.  Before I left I put a bottle upstairs because I knew the younger one would be hungry and that's no way to wake up momma.  I cook because you like it when I do and it's less work for you.  I know that the house looks as good as it does because you have been following our natural disasters around putting it back together.  I vacuum because I suck at seeing messes, so that's something I can do to help.  I play with the kids because you have managed not only to play with them, but somehow make it educational, which blows my mind.  I put them to bed because I think about all you have done in a single day and it makes me want to hibernate.

To put it simply, I do all of this because I know that while I may be putting in more hours at a job that pays the bills, you are putting in more hours on a job that pays the family happiness. 

You might think I dont notice or appreciate what you do.  You couldn't be more mistaken.  I am in awe of all you accomplish. Especially on those "lazy days" you keep telling me you had...  you know, the ones where you cleaned, did dishes, taught the kids to riverdance, dug the Grand Canyon, solved global warming, and stopped world hunger, but still "feel like nothing got done."  I am sorry I dont say it more often, but you are amazing, thank you for all you do, and I love you.

Not a winner

My family recently went to Disneyland. It was a good trip full of excitement and wonder for all parties. It still amazes me just how much my wife can get into the spirit of the parks and suck me in as well. 
For those of you who haven't been to a Disney park, think of an amusement park, now imagine every employee wants to be your friend and every one of them plays a character in a very happy movie.  Disney cultivates the ultimate customer service experience so it is no wonder that people call it the happiest place on earth.

So, in such a place, you expect to see happy customers and families.  It's a vacation, it should be fun.  I have found an interesting phenomena that occurs in the restrooms there though...  everything falls apart for people there. I have heard men crying because their fiance cheated on them and they just found out.  I have talked to a kid half my age dealing with the second stage of total colectomy surgery and having a rough time of it (trust me, the mental side is rough on that one).  The winning one so far though was when I took my daughter in to the restroom to change her.  A man walked up to me while I was changing her and in a disgusted tone stated, "When I was married, I made my wife do that stuff."  Made. My. Wife...... that stuff...  Let me take a wild guess why you aren't married anymore.  It is your child, too, you know...  I may not be in the majority, but I take pride in helping care for my daughter. I also take pride in my wife not being my slave. I don't make my wife do anything. She does a lot already. 

I can't believe they just said that

Honestly?!  I bust my ass all day and all I get when I get home is, "Would you take out the trash?"  What the hell do I look like?

Well...  You look like part of a relationship, and without stopping to look at what they have done or may be doing, you have jumped to a poor conclusion.

Oh yeah?  Well, just what did they do all day? 

Why don't you ask them?  I mean after you take out the trash.  Yes, I said after. Look at it this way, if they have done a lot of stuff, you won't look like as much of an ass when you ask about it, if the trash is done.  If they haven't done anything, you have an example of something that makes you feel overburdened that you can both work on.  Either way, the trash is done, there is no point to fight or get angry on, and you have probably calmed down enough not to give a snap reply. 

This last point is important.  Snap replies are where people get hurt and men are extremely good at them because we don't tend to assign as much meaning to words as women do. 

An example:
You tell your child to clean their room; they reply with "I hate you!"  Well goody.  That's nice.  Clean your room.  You know that they are using the word hate without meaning the full impact of it.  What about "I loathe you!"  Hold on now little Timmy.  What happened that you would put such effort into that? 

Yes, I did compare men to children. To be fair, in some aspects, we are like children. We talk without thinking, we are quick to react, and we tend to get a bit upset when we lose.  Just remember that women tend to be better at it.  They can hold grudges better than any lifeform on earth.  This means that you will lose early and often. Whatever you do, make sure you are willing to risk the grudge before you earn it. 

Yes, there are going to be times when you need to stand and say something about whatever is going on. Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, you will agonize over the outcome (even if you somehow win).  Just make sure the cause is a good one and don't let it become a fight.

If you find yourself reaching that edge where you are angry and want to say something, step out of the room.  Talk it over with yourself. Better yet, roleplay both sides and see how that argument goes. Yell if you need to, just dont let them hear it.  Once you have found a way to argue it without yelling or taking cheap shots, decide if it is still worth it.

Only then should you attempt to talk it over with your significant other.  Remember, they are your partner, not your enemy.  It is possible that, just maybe, they aren't actually attacking you.