Not a winner

My family recently went to Disneyland. It was a good trip full of excitement and wonder for all parties. It still amazes me just how much my wife can get into the spirit of the parks and suck me in as well. 
For those of you who haven't been to a Disney park, think of an amusement park, now imagine every employee wants to be your friend and every one of them plays a character in a very happy movie.  Disney cultivates the ultimate customer service experience so it is no wonder that people call it the happiest place on earth.

So, in such a place, you expect to see happy customers and families.  It's a vacation, it should be fun.  I have found an interesting phenomena that occurs in the restrooms there though...  everything falls apart for people there. I have heard men crying because their fiance cheated on them and they just found out.  I have talked to a kid half my age dealing with the second stage of total colectomy surgery and having a rough time of it (trust me, the mental side is rough on that one).  The winning one so far though was when I took my daughter in to the restroom to change her.  A man walked up to me while I was changing her and in a disgusted tone stated, "When I was married, I made my wife do that stuff."  Made. My. Wife...... that stuff...  Let me take a wild guess why you aren't married anymore.  It is your child, too, you know...  I may not be in the majority, but I take pride in helping care for my daughter. I also take pride in my wife not being my slave. I don't make my wife do anything. She does a lot already. 

I can't believe they just said that

Honestly?!  I bust my ass all day and all I get when I get home is, "Would you take out the trash?"  What the hell do I look like?

Well...  You look like part of a relationship, and without stopping to look at what they have done or may be doing, you have jumped to a poor conclusion.

Oh yeah?  Well, just what did they do all day? 

Why don't you ask them?  I mean after you take out the trash.  Yes, I said after. Look at it this way, if they have done a lot of stuff, you won't look like as much of an ass when you ask about it, if the trash is done.  If they haven't done anything, you have an example of something that makes you feel overburdened that you can both work on.  Either way, the trash is done, there is no point to fight or get angry on, and you have probably calmed down enough not to give a snap reply. 

This last point is important.  Snap replies are where people get hurt and men are extremely good at them because we don't tend to assign as much meaning to words as women do. 

An example:
You tell your child to clean their room; they reply with "I hate you!"  Well goody.  That's nice.  Clean your room.  You know that they are using the word hate without meaning the full impact of it.  What about "I loathe you!"  Hold on now little Timmy.  What happened that you would put such effort into that? 

Yes, I did compare men to children. To be fair, in some aspects, we are like children. We talk without thinking, we are quick to react, and we tend to get a bit upset when we lose.  Just remember that women tend to be better at it.  They can hold grudges better than any lifeform on earth.  This means that you will lose early and often. Whatever you do, make sure you are willing to risk the grudge before you earn it. 

Yes, there are going to be times when you need to stand and say something about whatever is going on. Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, you will agonize over the outcome (even if you somehow win).  Just make sure the cause is a good one and don't let it become a fight.

If you find yourself reaching that edge where you are angry and want to say something, step out of the room.  Talk it over with yourself. Better yet, roleplay both sides and see how that argument goes. Yell if you need to, just dont let them hear it.  Once you have found a way to argue it without yelling or taking cheap shots, decide if it is still worth it.

Only then should you attempt to talk it over with your significant other.  Remember, they are your partner, not your enemy.  It is possible that, just maybe, they aren't actually attacking you.

Choosing flowers

Okay, so you want to buy some flowers.  To get the right kind, it is important to start with why you are buying flowers. 

If you are buying flowers as an apology for something, put the flowers back, then go apologize for what you have done. Flowers will not buy forgiveness. Flowers will not fix something. The only thing you will do by buying flowers in this case is to cause her to think you did something the next time you buy her flowers.

The correct reason to buy her flowers, is because she deserves them or because you want her to have them.

Now, how should you choose flowers?  Start by identifying the price range you want to use.  Locate the flowers within the correct range and begin by looking for wilted leaves and petals. You should also look for frost or odd light patches on the leaves or petals; frost damage will cause the leaves or petals to brown early. You will want as few of these as possible. Once you have located a good batch, use a bouquet bag to hold it.

After purchasing the flowers, use a plastic bag to cover them if the weather is below freezing outside.

As for color and type, use what you know of her to make her happy. If you have no idea, red is safe. Try to get a batch with some greens mixed in if you use a solid color. This will add some contrast and make it a bit larger.

Later on, I recommend finding a good florist in your area. The flowers will be of higher quality and will last longer. As a bonus, once they see you enough, they can help with recommendations and ideas for surprises.

Be supportive

Two words.  Simple right?
Like so many things, being supportive is often a conscious effort, day in and day out.  It isn't about wanting the same thing and wanting to go about it side by side. This is about them wanting to do something, and you enabling them to do it.

Just walking down the street we hear people say things like, "I am here for you," or, "I am behind you."  Sadly, when it starts to get difficult, these are often the people who bail and then try to convince the other person to bail. 

"I totally support you in your new job!  Wait, you're not doing so well?  Well, let's get burgers instead."

What kind of support is that?  I'm sorry, your fork is bent, you should definately give up on eating solid food forever.

When your S.O. decides to start something, especially something they are nervous about but really want, your responsibility grows along with theirs. Remember, you joined the relationship as a partner; not a judge, critic, or cheerleader.  When she says, "I want to start selling armings.  They're like leggings, but for your arms," don't reply with "whatever."  Sit down with them and work to understand the product, the market, and most importantly, the reason why they are doing it.  If she is going to take up painting, try to understand some of the basics like color theory, paint types, or even just look into art galleries.

Side note: before we go any further, we need to draw a line between being supportive, and being a "yes-man."  A yes-man says okay to anything and let's her run with it.  He does anything she asks and if she says she's done, then they bail.  A yes-man never argues the idea even if he knows it won't work.  He will never push her to become better at what she wants to do.

Being supportive is vastly different. You will need to think about the reasons she wants to do this action.  Think about what it means to her and what she hopes to get out of it. Help her work out what she will do. Help her come up with ideas. Engage the project as if it were your own but do NOT take over or overrule their decisions.  Find some way to help keep her on track or fi d the right track.

Doing all of this will prepare you for later when they hit a wall. Think about a time when you hit a wall at a job. Remember how difficult it was for you. Use that to help understand how they feel. This is really important because you may not be all that interested in the intricacies of what they are doing. It may not be a passion for you. It doesn't need to be. It is something they want.

Once you understand the problem, and the feelings about it, step to the side. Ask what she would like from you. Now for the hard part: do what she asks.  If she just wants you to listen, then just listen. If she isn't sure how to proceed, tell her what you think.
Don't try to take over. Just simply be willing to engage in whatever manner she asks.

If you are still at a loss for how to support her, find an action she is planning for this thing. Maybe she is having a get together, an open house, a party, or a night out?  Maybe she needs some time alone to work on her masterpiece, or just some time to unwind after an event she threw.  Now, what can you do to take something of the preparation, or one of the road blocks, off of her plate?  Maybe help clean up, or cook some food, be in charge of drinks, offer to take the kids for a bit. Find something to do that allows her more time to focus on the main part of what she wants to do.

In the end, being supportive boils down to finding lots of little ways to help her stay on target, while taking as much extra stuff out of her way as you can.

Them!

Oh no! Giant ants!

Wait... no.
Sorry, wrong them.

The future in-laws!!!!

You've heard the stories.  The mom is a nightmare, the dad will kill you if you blink impolitely.  Best to avoid them, right?

Wrong.

You must not avoid her family. As a matter of fact, jump at it the first chance you get.  You will likely find out that they are, in fact, not soul sucking alien clown vampires from the depths of the ocean.  They might even be, dare I say it, fun. After all, they raised the person you're with.

Now a few notes to help. 
First: be respectful of them. They raised this woman you are in love with. They obviously succeeded, so keep that in mind.
Second: be respectful of their daughter.  This doesn't just mean to be courteous when talking to her.  It means keeping in mind what is appropriate to talk about and keeping her comfort in mind as well.
Third: this is a job interview.  Showing up stoned, drunk, dirty, or unshaven will not benefit you.  You don't have to be clean shaven, just trim it up and be presentable.
Fourth: avoid the big three topics. For those who don't know, these are: Politics, Religion, and Sex.
Fifth: always remember that if everything goes well, you are eventually going to be asking them for permission to wed their daughter and join the family.

Okay so now we have some basics. On to the fun stuff!  Get to know them. Listen to what they talk about and add things in. Or, my personal favorite, sneak the check at a family dinner.  No, really, this is the party game for everyone to enjoy.  The key here is that you have to respect the parents. If they snag the check first, it's game over. So, points if you get the check and can keep it away from them long enough to pay it.  Bonus if they ask the wait staff for the check because they don't know you've already paid it.

Here are some tips to get started. When you arrive at the restaurant, watch the wait staff. You are trying to determine the path they take from the kitchen to whatever table you get. Once you get a table, take an end seat that gives you line of sight to the kitchen. When the meal is over, get a dessert.  While the server is getting the dessert, quietly get your payment card out of your wallet below the table.  When the server comes out of the kitchen, hold the card in your palm, below the table, and turn the front toward the kitchen.   Keeping the card below the table and out of sight of your family, wiggle the card toward the server. The idea here is to catch their eye so they see the card and know what it is.  If done properly, the server will set the dessert on the table in front of everyone and will lower their hand by the end of the table. Slip the card into their hand and then wait for the check, and the fun, to begin.

Change it up and have fun.  One other thing: if they are taking you out for a special reason, such as your birthday, it is poor form to steal the check.

A special thanks to my in-laws for putting up with me and all my fum with this game.  You guys are awesome.

The Check Reach Hypothesis

At what point in a relationship does it become okay for a man to stop paying for everything?

Some might say a year.  Others, perhaps, would say 5 years.  Many might agree with it being okay only after combining bank accounts. A few might ask why the man should pay for everything at any point.  (If you find yourself in this last group, I would say you are either in the right place or about to ignore everything I say.)

There is actually a very simple answer to this question. The man should stop paying for everything when paying for everything becomes expected of him rather than appreciated.

This solves a lot of problems about who pays for what. Quite simply, if she is your queen, why should she pay? 

If you are knee deep in arguments about working hard to make money and are about to talk about what she does or does not do, stop.  Relationships have never been a balance game or a zero-sum game.  Both parties give 100% of what they can at any given time.  Percentages are a wonderful thing. If I have 10 dollars and give up 10, I have given 100% and I am now broke.  You may have 20 dollars.  If you give 10 away, you have matched me in amount but not percentage.  This is important because while some might stick on that amount, the effort and sacrifice is going to be perceived on a percentage level.  I gave up everything I had; you only gave up half.

Let's picture a world where intent was as good as currency. In this world, both parties would put forth an honest offer to pay with every intent to do so if the other person said okay.  In this world, because both parties made a real bid to pay for both, neither had to pay anything. 

Coming back to our world, both people should offer to pay.  Both should reach for the check. It is only fair.  If you both value each other's time and company, why should one pay for the experience and not the other?  In these situations, there are some governing rules that decide who actually gets the check.  First rule: the guy pays.  Second rule: birthdays and instances when the girl has specifically stated she was taking you out are excluded from the first rule.  Third rule: showing off about taking the check is poor form.

See? Simple.  So when does a guy not have to pay the whole check for a date?  When it stops being a date. If the person sitting across from you expects you to pay because they decided to bless you with their presence, they don't respect you and you are not required to gift them any food.  Notice there is an intent aspect here.  My wife doesn't always reach for the check when we go out. She will, however, always make it clear (without explicitly stating it) that she would have taken care of it if I had let her. 

Oh please, sir, stop blathering on and just make it simple...

Fine.  Here is how this should go:
Check arrives at the table. 
Both people begin to reach for it (with intent to pay (no faking)).
Man says something like "I'll take care of that."
Woman thanks the man.

No matter who ends up paying, reach for the check.  If you get the check, pay it.  If you don't, thank the other person for their kindness.  Either way, you have received a great gift.  Cherish the person across from you who sees you as a partner and friend, rather than a wallet with legs.