The Check Reach Hypothesis

At what point in a relationship does it become okay for a man to stop paying for everything?

Some might say a year.  Others, perhaps, would say 5 years.  Many might agree with it being okay only after combining bank accounts. A few might ask why the man should pay for everything at any point.  (If you find yourself in this last group, I would say you are either in the right place or about to ignore everything I say.)

There is actually a very simple answer to this question. The man should stop paying for everything when paying for everything becomes expected of him rather than appreciated.

This solves a lot of problems about who pays for what. Quite simply, if she is your queen, why should she pay? 

If you are knee deep in arguments about working hard to make money and are about to talk about what she does or does not do, stop.  Relationships have never been a balance game or a zero-sum game.  Both parties give 100% of what they can at any given time.  Percentages are a wonderful thing. If I have 10 dollars and give up 10, I have given 100% and I am now broke.  You may have 20 dollars.  If you give 10 away, you have matched me in amount but not percentage.  This is important because while some might stick on that amount, the effort and sacrifice is going to be perceived on a percentage level.  I gave up everything I had; you only gave up half.

Let's picture a world where intent was as good as currency. In this world, both parties would put forth an honest offer to pay with every intent to do so if the other person said okay.  In this world, because both parties made a real bid to pay for both, neither had to pay anything. 

Coming back to our world, both people should offer to pay.  Both should reach for the check. It is only fair.  If you both value each other's time and company, why should one pay for the experience and not the other?  In these situations, there are some governing rules that decide who actually gets the check.  First rule: the guy pays.  Second rule: birthdays and instances when the girl has specifically stated she was taking you out are excluded from the first rule.  Third rule: showing off about taking the check is poor form.

See? Simple.  So when does a guy not have to pay the whole check for a date?  When it stops being a date. If the person sitting across from you expects you to pay because they decided to bless you with their presence, they don't respect you and you are not required to gift them any food.  Notice there is an intent aspect here.  My wife doesn't always reach for the check when we go out. She will, however, always make it clear (without explicitly stating it) that she would have taken care of it if I had let her. 

Oh please, sir, stop blathering on and just make it simple...

Fine.  Here is how this should go:
Check arrives at the table. 
Both people begin to reach for it (with intent to pay (no faking)).
Man says something like "I'll take care of that."
Woman thanks the man.

No matter who ends up paying, reach for the check.  If you get the check, pay it.  If you don't, thank the other person for their kindness.  Either way, you have received a great gift.  Cherish the person across from you who sees you as a partner and friend, rather than a wallet with legs.