Does this make me look fat?

There is one question that simply isn't fair no matter who asks it. No matter what the answer, you are either in trouble or assumed to be lying.

So what can you do?  Chances are you don't think she is fat. However, getting her to believe that and understand how you feel is a difficult task.

The solution, believe it or not, is simply not to try. She isn't looking for you to convince her she isn't fat. She is looking for you to connect with her and acknowledge her fear. You don't need to confirm or deny it.

Women are shown, over and over, an unrealistic idea of what some people consider to be beauty.   The image they see is neither realistic, nor beautiful. To them, these images are beaten in until they become some horrible, twisted, half-truths. 

So when she asks if something makes her look fat, tell her it doesn't. Explain to her something you know to be true: no matter what someone else sees as beautiful, she is the most beautiful person in the world to you.  You wouldn't be with her if it were otherwise.  Then, if she isn't convinced, listen to what she wants to do to feel better; ask her what is bothering her specifically and really listen to her response.

Don't rush her response and don't be dismissive. Remember, to her, this is important to how she feels. Your opinions don't matter now. You may feel that she is completely wrong, but if you speak up now, you will never be right.  She needs you to hear her out. Once you have, and once she is done, have her set a goal. Now, commit yourself to helping her work towards whatever goal she sets.  

While struggling through this giant mine field, remember your English classes and the lectures on arguing a point. You must always be willing to acknowledge valid points made by the other side, even if you don't like them.
-Accept what she feels as a fact. Not that it is true, but the fact that she feels that way and that it is valid for her to have her own opinion.
-Strive to understand why she feels that way.
-Explain your own opinion, remembering that it is no more valid than hers.
-Find common ground.  What can you both agree on?
-Seek a common goal.  What do you both find realistic that is in line with her desire to eliminate her insecurities and also concurrs with your opinions?

Once you have aligned yourself with her, shown that you are supportive in helping her achieve what will make her happy, you will have a chance to talk about what you think of her feelings. She has to know, first and foremost, that you are willing to listen to her and understand her viewpoint. Only then can she accept that there may be another valid opinion.

Surgery - How I Ended Up Doing Nothing and Hating It

Long ago, in a place about as far away as I can throw heavy objects, I was healthy.  Aside from allergies and asthma.  Oh, and yearly sinus infections.  I never caught anything, so I could take care of anyone.  I never got injured playing sports; mainly because I didn't play them.  I was reasonably strong; I could open just about any jar.  Yes, I was the picture of health.  At 210Lbs. and 5'5" tall, I was the envy of everyone around me.

Then came the diagnosis, the years of treatment, and finally, The Surgery.  If you ever want to feel completely useless, go have a surgery that puts you on a lifting restriction of 20Lbs or less, and has a recovery time measured in months (plural).  Suddenly you realize just how much you cant do.  Sure, it seems like a good idea before hand; "Hooray, I don't have to lift, or carry, or stress for a while."  But then, you start to realize just how important to you it was to do the things you can not do anymore.  Anyone ever try to get all the groceries out of the car in one trip?  No more!  Think you can go haul a bunch of stuff around? Nope!  Surely, I can hold my daughter and carry her around, right?  Hold up there!  (Luckily my release instructions were lenient enough to allow me to hold my daughter, but the original guess from the nurses was not.)  Everything I didn't even realize I was doing for myself, or someone else, came up to taunt me.

After your surgery, you will spend so much time not doing anything useful that you will start to dream about doing housework and lifting heavy objects.  The first time you dream about lifting the Mack Truck that your couch sits on in the living room with one hand, so you can vacuum under it with the other, you will sit right up in bed, regret this immediately, and your brain will try to figure out just what the hell is going on.

As time goes on, you will begin to feel better and you will be tempted to push these limits.
Do Not Do It!

You have a relationship, a family, a child, or someone else who needs you.  While you might complete the task, you now have a responsibility to think about what happens if something goes wrong while you are trying.  In my case, were I to be injured, my wife and daughter would be having to worry about a lot of stuff since I am the primary income source (not to be confused with the person doing the most work, I am still positive she wins on that one).

So moral of the story:
Recovery sucks, but deal with it because your relationship is worth it, and you need to be healthy to be the best partner you can.


Afterword:
Special thanks to my wife and daughter who help me stay within my limits.  I may be mostly useless now, but I can still make you coffee tomorrow morning.

Health and happiness

So now that everything is running smoothly and you are the envy of every other couple out there, it is time to sit back, relax, and....

COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK....

Wait, no.  Not my beautiful world!  Illness!  Why?!

Okay, calm down.  Don't panic.  I will just man up and power through. My wife won't notice anything beyond my cough.

Okay, anyone who agreed with that needs to really consider how connected they are to their partner.  Of course they will notice. Every day there are hundreds of little things you do. When you are ill, some of these will change. You lose focus, you lose energy, motivation is right out the window.

Yes, you should work through the small stuff. Allergies and small colds, bumps, bruises, couches applied to spleens...

Big things will drag you down in ways you don't even notice. Tell your partner before they notice so that they don't start feeling like they are the cause. When you go from being talkative at night to being quiet and passive, they will notice. You are a part of their life and they shouldn't be in the dark.

If you find yourself on the opposite side of an odd silence, ask them about it. If they are feeling under the weather, it is time to be a supporter. Listen to what they need. This can be as easy as them telling you what they want. Other times it will be obvious signs of effort where there weren't any before. Don't let your partner suffer anything alone. They are a part of you now.  Act like it.

Short things learned by someone short

There are many lessons in life that can have whole blog posts written about them.

Here is a list of things which don't need entire articles:

1. Once you have a child, don't plan full schedules. Plan an item or two, then let your new child fill in the rest. 

2.  A shirt: a burp cloth you wear.

3.  Pants: the burp cloth you won't know you are wearing until you are somewhere nice.

4.  Sometimes you need to declare your love on social media.  Your wife secretly wants to brag about it.

5.  Remember to always spoil your wife. Someone will, why not you?