Oh! Hello, my noisy offspring!

Ahh sleep. The glorious periods where you succumb to unconciousness and relax.  Brilliant times of complete and total oblivion. These long times are what you will wish for as you start your journey. Your friends with kids were right.  Why didn't I get more sleep? 

Well, take heart, it doesn't work like that anyway.  Even if you slept for 20 hours prior to birth, chances are you will still be tired 12 to 16 hours later.  The bad part is not that you can't get enough hours, you certainly can between feedings, but that you only get about an hour each time. 

This is torture but you will get used to it. Here are a few things to remember that can help:
1.  It doesn't matter how long, just sleep. Even if you know you don't like short naps. You may not get much else.
2.  Your partner is just that.  A partner.  Not a minion.  Certainly not an enemy.
3.  Everyone is tired. Believe me, if your baby could stay asleep and not be hungry, they would. They don't hate you. They just only have enough stomach for a walnut. Just one.  How long can you go on one walnut?
4.  If baby can have a midnight snack, so can you. Just don't go overboard. (Also, don't have your snack be buttered popcorn.  Some smells are just too similar)
5.  Babies will let you know when they are hungry... except if they are sick, jaundiced, tired, lazy, bored, excited, scared, or hungry.  In these cases, they will cry an refuse to take food.  Trust me, they want the food, but the don't know what it is or that they need to stop screaming to get it. Keep trying. A bottle can help. Forcing a feeding schedule works best. Yes it means waking a sleeping baby every few hours, but believe me, if they go 4 or 5 hours without food, they will cry for ages and not take much food.  You will be up all night. 
6.  Mama is tired and sore.  Add to this the  possibilities of baby blues and depression that can happen now and we find her taking on too much. Even if it is just a couple hours in the evening, take baby and a bottle and let her take a nap. 
7.  Plan to take a weekend off after birth.  Don't go anywhere or do anything requiring getting decently dressed or meeting people you know.
8.  Let your wife be a baby too. Spend a day letting her rest and recover while you bring both mom and baby food.
9.  Go to bed early. I mean early. You won't get to sleep right away because it is new, but winding down will let you slip back and forth between sleep and awake easier.
10.  If your baby needs phototherapy, take them to a hospital and stay with them if possible. Children's hospitals are great about this, have the uv equipment, and go nuts about taking care of the parents as well as the baby. There may be home options, but they take longer and you also need to consider just how well you will sleep if you are worrying.  The nurses know what to watch for and can spot it long before you even know it is there. For your sanity, just go to the hospital.
11.  Your baby will eventually grow a larger stomach and sleep longer. Once that happens, you too will see sleep again.
12.  Hug your wife, tell her what a great job she is doing.

What to pack for the hospital

Having just arrived home from the hospital as a new father, let me share a few things you will need and what can be left at home.

Take a Kindle or book. You want something you can instantly put down and pick up as needed. If your wife is into a book, take that too.  I spent a good deal of time, both before and after the birth, reading to my wife. An added bonus here is that it instantly cements you in as the storyteller. This can help with gatekeeper syndrome.

Take liquids.  Soda, juice, water, anything. Plan on enough to last for 3 days. You can get tap water at the hospital but anything else is on you and may be at a premium if you buy it there.

Take cash or food. A large number of hospitals are starting to let guests order room service as well. However, while your wife's food is covered, yours is not; they only take cash at your room.  Plan for 15 dollars per meal and at least 2 meals a day. If you don't spend it, bonus.  If you bring food, bring a variety so you don't have tuna salad 5 meals in a row.  Most waiting rooms here have microwaves. Almost like they have the expectation that people could be here a while...

1 outfit for a newborn.  0-3 months is not newborn.  Trust me.  My daughter looked hilarious in the outfit we took.  I know it says 0 months, but trust me, this is different.

Burp cloths, receiving blankets, gloves.  They won't let you take theirs and you will want them 5 minutes into the drive home.
Note: baby nails get sharp quick.

Speaking of the drive home, clean the back seat.  You are riding back alone in the front. Mama will be next to baby.

Clothes for you and mama.  Take things that are comfortable and stretchy. Think pajama pants or sweats. Yoga pants work too. For you: whatever you don't mind wandering the food court and halls in as long as you can sleep in it.

Boppie. Do it. Now. Babies are heavy. 7 pounds never felt like this. You will also want to hold your baby, and you will want this fantastic armrest.

For labor: LED candles, aroma therapy oils, music, and anything else that makes her relaxed.

ALL YOUR MEDICATIONS.  I don't care if you haven't had an asthma attack in 3 years. Pack the inhaler. Stress will set off every thing you have.

Phone charger. Camera. Something easy to do together while she feeds baby.   In my case I read more. Whatever you can do to feel connected to her while she is feeding will be appreciated.

Donuts. Two dozen. Give them to the nurses station on your way in. They are going to be answering every little worry you have. They deserve it.

Last but not least:  earplugs.  Your wife is going to likely have a needle put in her spine. You know you can handle it. Just jam in your earplugs and don't listen to the doctor describing what he is doing. Otherwise, be prepared to meet the floor. It's nice and cool and full of laughter, or maybe that was the other people in the room. If you feel like you are having problems, let your nurses know. Apparently, while I knew what was happening and let them know - allowing me to get safely to the floor - some people try to fight it and don't say anything until they pass out. Then they hit their head and get a free trip to the ER where they miss out on the birth of their child.  

When it is all over, make sure you brought your emotional stamina. Your wife is about to take a wild roller-coaster of emotional fun and will need your support.

My deepest thanks to the folks at Good Samaritan hospital in Broomfield, CO.  You were all amazing.

Things they don't tell you

Finally coming into the last few days of our pregnancy.  (Yes, ours.  We are both in this together, right?)  Now to take a moment and look back at this adventure.  So many things run through your mind when you hear the first news.  So many of your friends will give you information on what to expect.  Oddly, so will a lot of strangers.  A large amount of this is rediculous. I don't care what your magical fairy waffle cone tells you, you won't be having a unicorn (or a raptor... sad). 

So what can I expect? 

Well, expect a lot of money to disappear.  Seriously, you won't know where it is coming from or even that it could be spent but it will leave you faster than a snow cone from satan. 

Expect time to disappear.
Before you know it, you will be in child care classes, CPR classes, new daddy classes, and how to pack for the hospital classes. At least the last one is usually taught by your wife, so the instructor is pretty good looking.

Expect junk food to disappear.
Somewhere along the line you realize your parents weren't as evil as you always said and they weren't keeping you from junk food out of spite.  There seems to be some wierd switch in our brains that flips to healthier.  Not healthy, just healthier.  Instead of a cabinet full of cookies and good and plenty, I have only a small shelf...

Expect your belt to disappear.
Your stomach will one day look at it and go, "That is a strip of cow.  I like cow."  You will never see it again.

Augh!  This is horrible!  Why would we do this? 

Well, simply put, you do it because you are biologically programmed to. 

That doesn't mean it is as bad as it sounds though. 

You never noticed the money in the first place, and some of it came from friends and family, so that's not so bad. 

The classes are actually informative and helpful. In addition, they can help you communicate with your wife.  There are some great researchers out there... look up master Vs disaster couples and learn about how to properly argue.  It may save your life.

You probably shouldn't eat so much junk food. But if you must, look at it this way; you know it is fresh now. 

As for your belt...  it was a good belt.

Something to consider though, I am a week away from our due date. The hardest part of it all has been seeing my wife deal with the discomfort of an ornery child trying to pluck her tendons like guitar strings. Waiting for baby to arrive is a close second. As much as I used to want to avoid children, I am really looking forward to my own.