The Check Reach Hypothesis

At what point in a relationship does it become okay for a man to stop paying for everything?

Some might say a year.  Others, perhaps, would say 5 years.  Many might agree with it being okay only after combining bank accounts. A few might ask why the man should pay for everything at any point.  (If you find yourself in this last group, I would say you are either in the right place or about to ignore everything I say.)

There is actually a very simple answer to this question. The man should stop paying for everything when paying for everything becomes expected of him rather than appreciated.

This solves a lot of problems about who pays for what. Quite simply, if she is your queen, why should she pay? 

If you are knee deep in arguments about working hard to make money and are about to talk about what she does or does not do, stop.  Relationships have never been a balance game or a zero-sum game.  Both parties give 100% of what they can at any given time.  Percentages are a wonderful thing. If I have 10 dollars and give up 10, I have given 100% and I am now broke.  You may have 20 dollars.  If you give 10 away, you have matched me in amount but not percentage.  This is important because while some might stick on that amount, the effort and sacrifice is going to be perceived on a percentage level.  I gave up everything I had; you only gave up half.

Let's picture a world where intent was as good as currency. In this world, both parties would put forth an honest offer to pay with every intent to do so if the other person said okay.  In this world, because both parties made a real bid to pay for both, neither had to pay anything. 

Coming back to our world, both people should offer to pay.  Both should reach for the check. It is only fair.  If you both value each other's time and company, why should one pay for the experience and not the other?  In these situations, there are some governing rules that decide who actually gets the check.  First rule: the guy pays.  Second rule: birthdays and instances when the girl has specifically stated she was taking you out are excluded from the first rule.  Third rule: showing off about taking the check is poor form.

See? Simple.  So when does a guy not have to pay the whole check for a date?  When it stops being a date. If the person sitting across from you expects you to pay because they decided to bless you with their presence, they don't respect you and you are not required to gift them any food.  Notice there is an intent aspect here.  My wife doesn't always reach for the check when we go out. She will, however, always make it clear (without explicitly stating it) that she would have taken care of it if I had let her. 

Oh please, sir, stop blathering on and just make it simple...

Fine.  Here is how this should go:
Check arrives at the table. 
Both people begin to reach for it (with intent to pay (no faking)).
Man says something like "I'll take care of that."
Woman thanks the man.

No matter who ends up paying, reach for the check.  If you get the check, pay it.  If you don't, thank the other person for their kindness.  Either way, you have received a great gift.  Cherish the person across from you who sees you as a partner and friend, rather than a wallet with legs.

Does this make me look fat?

There is one question that simply isn't fair no matter who asks it. No matter what the answer, you are either in trouble or assumed to be lying.

So what can you do?  Chances are you don't think she is fat. However, getting her to believe that and understand how you feel is a difficult task.

The solution, believe it or not, is simply not to try. She isn't looking for you to convince her she isn't fat. She is looking for you to connect with her and acknowledge her fear. You don't need to confirm or deny it.

Women are shown, over and over, an unrealistic idea of what some people consider to be beauty.   The image they see is neither realistic, nor beautiful. To them, these images are beaten in until they become some horrible, twisted, half-truths. 

So when she asks if something makes her look fat, tell her it doesn't. Explain to her something you know to be true: no matter what someone else sees as beautiful, she is the most beautiful person in the world to you.  You wouldn't be with her if it were otherwise.  Then, if she isn't convinced, listen to what she wants to do to feel better; ask her what is bothering her specifically and really listen to her response.

Don't rush her response and don't be dismissive. Remember, to her, this is important to how she feels. Your opinions don't matter now. You may feel that she is completely wrong, but if you speak up now, you will never be right.  She needs you to hear her out. Once you have, and once she is done, have her set a goal. Now, commit yourself to helping her work towards whatever goal she sets.  

While struggling through this giant mine field, remember your English classes and the lectures on arguing a point. You must always be willing to acknowledge valid points made by the other side, even if you don't like them.
-Accept what she feels as a fact. Not that it is true, but the fact that she feels that way and that it is valid for her to have her own opinion.
-Strive to understand why she feels that way.
-Explain your own opinion, remembering that it is no more valid than hers.
-Find common ground.  What can you both agree on?
-Seek a common goal.  What do you both find realistic that is in line with her desire to eliminate her insecurities and also concurrs with your opinions?

Once you have aligned yourself with her, shown that you are supportive in helping her achieve what will make her happy, you will have a chance to talk about what you think of her feelings. She has to know, first and foremost, that you are willing to listen to her and understand her viewpoint. Only then can she accept that there may be another valid opinion.

Surgery - How I Ended Up Doing Nothing and Hating It

Long ago, in a place about as far away as I can throw heavy objects, I was healthy.  Aside from allergies and asthma.  Oh, and yearly sinus infections.  I never caught anything, so I could take care of anyone.  I never got injured playing sports; mainly because I didn't play them.  I was reasonably strong; I could open just about any jar.  Yes, I was the picture of health.  At 210Lbs. and 5'5" tall, I was the envy of everyone around me.

Then came the diagnosis, the years of treatment, and finally, The Surgery.  If you ever want to feel completely useless, go have a surgery that puts you on a lifting restriction of 20Lbs or less, and has a recovery time measured in months (plural).  Suddenly you realize just how much you cant do.  Sure, it seems like a good idea before hand; "Hooray, I don't have to lift, or carry, or stress for a while."  But then, you start to realize just how important to you it was to do the things you can not do anymore.  Anyone ever try to get all the groceries out of the car in one trip?  No more!  Think you can go haul a bunch of stuff around? Nope!  Surely, I can hold my daughter and carry her around, right?  Hold up there!  (Luckily my release instructions were lenient enough to allow me to hold my daughter, but the original guess from the nurses was not.)  Everything I didn't even realize I was doing for myself, or someone else, came up to taunt me.

After your surgery, you will spend so much time not doing anything useful that you will start to dream about doing housework and lifting heavy objects.  The first time you dream about lifting the Mack Truck that your couch sits on in the living room with one hand, so you can vacuum under it with the other, you will sit right up in bed, regret this immediately, and your brain will try to figure out just what the hell is going on.

As time goes on, you will begin to feel better and you will be tempted to push these limits.
Do Not Do It!

You have a relationship, a family, a child, or someone else who needs you.  While you might complete the task, you now have a responsibility to think about what happens if something goes wrong while you are trying.  In my case, were I to be injured, my wife and daughter would be having to worry about a lot of stuff since I am the primary income source (not to be confused with the person doing the most work, I am still positive she wins on that one).

So moral of the story:
Recovery sucks, but deal with it because your relationship is worth it, and you need to be healthy to be the best partner you can.


Afterword:
Special thanks to my wife and daughter who help me stay within my limits.  I may be mostly useless now, but I can still make you coffee tomorrow morning.