Smart life choices

Every day comes with a certain amount of freedom and a certain amount of required things.  People have a tendency to try to determine what is a priority based on the people around them. To put things simply, though, you really can't make that work until you surround yourself with people who have goals and ambitions that work with your own.  So, in a very iterative process, we slowly work towards finding our own goals. We find friends based on our current goals, evaluate our goals, make friends who line up with these goals, then refine our goals further.

Marriage brings a new light and weight to this whole process. Where you once only had to worry about your own goals and choices, now you have another person who relies on you to make proper choices and work with them to create a happy relationship. If this feels like it is not always easy, then I have good news for you!  It is not always going to be easy.

A proper relationship, like anything else worth having, is going to be something you always work at. You don't get to take a break. You don't get to give up. You don't get to just do whatever you want. If you are thinking that it sounds like a horrible thing, you are wrong.

To be fair, it isn't your fault.  We spend so much time listening to people talk about marriage being all about compromise and servitude.  I don't see why it has to be either one. If you make one priority for yourself, make it this: learn to make your significant other happy within your means, then take pleasure in their happiness. 

Now, let us be clear: this is not a free pass for them to be obsessed with what you can get them. When we are talking about doing things within your means, I intend that you will be doing more and buying less. Open a door, drive her somewhere so she doesn't have to, go with her to her favorite store, clean that hallway that is bugging her, make breakfast once in a while (bonus point for delivery to the bed).  The idea is not to just buy things, but to make an honest effort to understand what will make their day a little brighter and then do it. Behavior like this tends to make the other person want to do the same and your significant other will likely take an interest in what makes you happy and try to make that happen as well. Once you reach this point, the prioritization of things becomes second nature. Compromise is no longer something you are doing, you are simply working to make both of you happy. You will soon find yourself moving trips to her store or spa up the list not because you feel it is required, but because it makes you both happy. Servitude, in the sense that you are doing things for them that you don't want to do, goes away as well.  You aren't doing things because you have to, you do them so they don't have to.

Make your marriage or relationship a priority for your life.  You may just find it to be the happiest thing you ever do.

One last note: reciprocity is important.  You should both consider this post.

On being a gentleman

What is a Gentleman?

Some would have you believe a gentleman is a mythological creature.  A lost part of history that may or may not have ever existed.

Many tend to bring up the term "Chivalrous" as if it answered the entire question.  They especially like to throw this around as it pertains to women.  The code of chivalry I have read contains only one line about women:
To Respect the Honour (if we are going that far back, might as well spell it their way) of Women.

In reality, Chivalry is NOT dead; as so many people like to throw out. Rather, we seem to have forgotten a bit of it along the way.  In an age where Kings ruled and Knights were there for the protection of a realm, it became apparent to someone that the ruling class should have some rules themselves.  The primary idea of Chivalry was that the upper classes must act in a way befitting someone in such a position.  Thus, if one could afford a giant stone house and the people to clean it and guard it, one could afford to treat those unable to do so with a bit more compassion than they treat each other.  A king should always act in the best interest of those he ruled.  A knight, as an extension of this ruler, must also always act in the interest of those being ruled.  They must be honest, trustworthy, and not the kind of person to use another for personal gain.  No one ever starts out this way.  It is a decision to be made by each person.

As the ages of kings died out, the rules governing men of this level were continued on in Gentlemen.  Men of sufficient upbringing to take on the responsibilities of the Ruling class.

So how should a Modern Gentleman Act?

Well, largely the same, really.  The basic tenets of the old code are largely still applicable with only slight modifications.

- To protect the weak and defenseless - seems rather straightforward.
- To provide aid to widows and orphans - no argument there.
- To refrain from the wonton giving of offense -  Wait, trolling is bad?
- To live by honor and for glory - got it: shut up, mean what you say, do the right thing.
- To despise monetary reward - Look, we can disagree all over the place here, but bottom line, do it because it should be done, not because you might get money for it.
- To fight for the welfare of all - Maybe not with fists or swords, but support something.
- To obey those placed in authority - As a thinking person, I can mostly agree with this, If it is wrong, then fight to change it.
- To guard the honor of fellow knights - how about to guard the honor of everyone?
- To eschew unfairness and deceit - don't lie or cheat.
- To see something you started to the end - Okay, I am sure I am not alone in needing to work on this one.
- To respect the honor of women - (modern day; modern spelling) just do it.
- Never refuse a challenge from an equal - unless it is a stupid challenge that goes against any of the above.


One last thing:
If you are dating my daughter, I am the person in Authority, and no, you may not challenge it.  I am NOT your equal.

The front door postulation

What if I told you there was a simple way to help ensure the future happiness of both you and your partner?  What if I told you it would only take a few minutes a day and is as easy as saying two sentences?  The next time your significant other comes home, try these steps:
1. Put down whatever you may be doing.
2. Walk to the door.
3. Hug them (really mean it; don't just go through the motions)
4. Say, "Welcome home, my <insert term of affection>!" (If you are at a loss, try: love, dear, wife, husband, life, etc..  Remember to use a positive term; heinous money sink probably won't produce the desired result.)
5. Ask how their day was.
Now for the hard part:
6. Listen to what they tell you.
7. Determine if they have had a good day.
7a. If they have had a bad day, listen to what made it bad.  Do not act yet.
7b. Once they have told you why they had a bad day, listen more. 
7c. Keep listening until they have really finished.
7d. Now, ask if there is anything you can do to improve their day.
7e. If they give you something to do, do it properly.
8. Repeat this daily.

Now, some notes about the above.  If you are in the middle of something that you can not put down immediately,  welcome them home, let them know where you are and what is keeping you. Once it is safe to do so, put down whatever you were working on, then follow the steps.  Finally, only let it stop you if it would be unsafe to put it down.  If it's the middle of a football game, buy a DVR and pause it. Your significant other will appreciate the attention more than your team.

If you follow these steps, you may just find they are happier and willing to even let you return to things you were doing. They may not even hate sports/nascar/hunting/hairstyling or whatever else it is you want to do.  They just need to know you value them above your hobby or project.