For my wife

Lets start by saying:  I get plenty of credit for what I do. 

As the so-called breadwinner, I have clearly defined goals in my job that result in clearly defined compensation.   I bring home that compensation and it is credited as part of my contribution to the family.  Working the longer hours job, I struggle with a lot of things. I spend a lot of time away and I know that I dont do as much at home as I should. I come home tired from work (mentally, sometimes physically too) and dont get myself moving so well. I dont spend as much time with my family as I would like and I dont take care of the kids as much as I would like.  Most importantly I dont get to see you as much as I would like. 

I fight through each day knowing that I am providing a good life for my family and that I am trying hard to be a good husband.  I wake up at 4:30 and go to bed late so I can see you.  I work hard to bring home money and try to make sure I dont bring work home with me.  I do the cooking when we cook at home, and I try to do some of the laundry too.  On occasion I vacuum and mop and maybe get a bit wild and dust.  In the evenings i get the kids fed and down for bed when i can so that you can take it easy. 

So, why do I do all this? 

Because I know that when I woke up I had at least 15 minutes to collect my wits, you probably woke to a screaming child.  Before I left I put a bottle upstairs because I knew the younger one would be hungry and that's no way to wake up momma.  I cook because you like it when I do and it's less work for you.  I know that the house looks as good as it does because you have been following our natural disasters around putting it back together.  I vacuum because I suck at seeing messes, so that's something I can do to help.  I play with the kids because you have managed not only to play with them, but somehow make it educational, which blows my mind.  I put them to bed because I think about all you have done in a single day and it makes me want to hibernate.

To put it simply, I do all of this because I know that while I may be putting in more hours at a job that pays the bills, you are putting in more hours on a job that pays the family happiness. 

You might think I dont notice or appreciate what you do.  You couldn't be more mistaken.  I am in awe of all you accomplish. Especially on those "lazy days" you keep telling me you had...  you know, the ones where you cleaned, did dishes, taught the kids to riverdance, dug the Grand Canyon, solved global warming, and stopped world hunger, but still "feel like nothing got done."  I am sorry I dont say it more often, but you are amazing, thank you for all you do, and I love you.

Not a winner

My family recently went to Disneyland. It was a good trip full of excitement and wonder for all parties. It still amazes me just how much my wife can get into the spirit of the parks and suck me in as well. 
For those of you who haven't been to a Disney park, think of an amusement park, now imagine every employee wants to be your friend and every one of them plays a character in a very happy movie.  Disney cultivates the ultimate customer service experience so it is no wonder that people call it the happiest place on earth.

So, in such a place, you expect to see happy customers and families.  It's a vacation, it should be fun.  I have found an interesting phenomena that occurs in the restrooms there though...  everything falls apart for people there. I have heard men crying because their fiance cheated on them and they just found out.  I have talked to a kid half my age dealing with the second stage of total colectomy surgery and having a rough time of it (trust me, the mental side is rough on that one).  The winning one so far though was when I took my daughter in to the restroom to change her.  A man walked up to me while I was changing her and in a disgusted tone stated, "When I was married, I made my wife do that stuff."  Made. My. Wife...... that stuff...  Let me take a wild guess why you aren't married anymore.  It is your child, too, you know...  I may not be in the majority, but I take pride in helping care for my daughter. I also take pride in my wife not being my slave. I don't make my wife do anything. She does a lot already. 

I can't believe they just said that

Honestly?!  I bust my ass all day and all I get when I get home is, "Would you take out the trash?"  What the hell do I look like?

Well...  You look like part of a relationship, and without stopping to look at what they have done or may be doing, you have jumped to a poor conclusion.

Oh yeah?  Well, just what did they do all day? 

Why don't you ask them?  I mean after you take out the trash.  Yes, I said after. Look at it this way, if they have done a lot of stuff, you won't look like as much of an ass when you ask about it, if the trash is done.  If they haven't done anything, you have an example of something that makes you feel overburdened that you can both work on.  Either way, the trash is done, there is no point to fight or get angry on, and you have probably calmed down enough not to give a snap reply. 

This last point is important.  Snap replies are where people get hurt and men are extremely good at them because we don't tend to assign as much meaning to words as women do. 

An example:
You tell your child to clean their room; they reply with "I hate you!"  Well goody.  That's nice.  Clean your room.  You know that they are using the word hate without meaning the full impact of it.  What about "I loathe you!"  Hold on now little Timmy.  What happened that you would put such effort into that? 

Yes, I did compare men to children. To be fair, in some aspects, we are like children. We talk without thinking, we are quick to react, and we tend to get a bit upset when we lose.  Just remember that women tend to be better at it.  They can hold grudges better than any lifeform on earth.  This means that you will lose early and often. Whatever you do, make sure you are willing to risk the grudge before you earn it. 

Yes, there are going to be times when you need to stand and say something about whatever is going on. Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, you will agonize over the outcome (even if you somehow win).  Just make sure the cause is a good one and don't let it become a fight.

If you find yourself reaching that edge where you are angry and want to say something, step out of the room.  Talk it over with yourself. Better yet, roleplay both sides and see how that argument goes. Yell if you need to, just dont let them hear it.  Once you have found a way to argue it without yelling or taking cheap shots, decide if it is still worth it.

Only then should you attempt to talk it over with your significant other.  Remember, they are your partner, not your enemy.  It is possible that, just maybe, they aren't actually attacking you.

Choosing flowers

Okay, so you want to buy some flowers.  To get the right kind, it is important to start with why you are buying flowers. 

If you are buying flowers as an apology for something, put the flowers back, then go apologize for what you have done. Flowers will not buy forgiveness. Flowers will not fix something. The only thing you will do by buying flowers in this case is to cause her to think you did something the next time you buy her flowers.

The correct reason to buy her flowers, is because she deserves them or because you want her to have them.

Now, how should you choose flowers?  Start by identifying the price range you want to use.  Locate the flowers within the correct range and begin by looking for wilted leaves and petals. You should also look for frost or odd light patches on the leaves or petals; frost damage will cause the leaves or petals to brown early. You will want as few of these as possible. Once you have located a good batch, use a bouquet bag to hold it.

After purchasing the flowers, use a plastic bag to cover them if the weather is below freezing outside.

As for color and type, use what you know of her to make her happy. If you have no idea, red is safe. Try to get a batch with some greens mixed in if you use a solid color. This will add some contrast and make it a bit larger.

Later on, I recommend finding a good florist in your area. The flowers will be of higher quality and will last longer. As a bonus, once they see you enough, they can help with recommendations and ideas for surprises.

Be supportive

Two words.  Simple right?
Like so many things, being supportive is often a conscious effort, day in and day out.  It isn't about wanting the same thing and wanting to go about it side by side. This is about them wanting to do something, and you enabling them to do it.

Just walking down the street we hear people say things like, "I am here for you," or, "I am behind you."  Sadly, when it starts to get difficult, these are often the people who bail and then try to convince the other person to bail. 

"I totally support you in your new job!  Wait, you're not doing so well?  Well, let's get burgers instead."

What kind of support is that?  I'm sorry, your fork is bent, you should definately give up on eating solid food forever.

When your S.O. decides to start something, especially something they are nervous about but really want, your responsibility grows along with theirs. Remember, you joined the relationship as a partner; not a judge, critic, or cheerleader.  When she says, "I want to start selling armings.  They're like leggings, but for your arms," don't reply with "whatever."  Sit down with them and work to understand the product, the market, and most importantly, the reason why they are doing it.  If she is going to take up painting, try to understand some of the basics like color theory, paint types, or even just look into art galleries.

Side note: before we go any further, we need to draw a line between being supportive, and being a "yes-man."  A yes-man says okay to anything and let's her run with it.  He does anything she asks and if she says she's done, then they bail.  A yes-man never argues the idea even if he knows it won't work.  He will never push her to become better at what she wants to do.

Being supportive is vastly different. You will need to think about the reasons she wants to do this action.  Think about what it means to her and what she hopes to get out of it. Help her work out what she will do. Help her come up with ideas. Engage the project as if it were your own but do NOT take over or overrule their decisions.  Find some way to help keep her on track or fi d the right track.

Doing all of this will prepare you for later when they hit a wall. Think about a time when you hit a wall at a job. Remember how difficult it was for you. Use that to help understand how they feel. This is really important because you may not be all that interested in the intricacies of what they are doing. It may not be a passion for you. It doesn't need to be. It is something they want.

Once you understand the problem, and the feelings about it, step to the side. Ask what she would like from you. Now for the hard part: do what she asks.  If she just wants you to listen, then just listen. If she isn't sure how to proceed, tell her what you think.
Don't try to take over. Just simply be willing to engage in whatever manner she asks.

If you are still at a loss for how to support her, find an action she is planning for this thing. Maybe she is having a get together, an open house, a party, or a night out?  Maybe she needs some time alone to work on her masterpiece, or just some time to unwind after an event she threw.  Now, what can you do to take something of the preparation, or one of the road blocks, off of her plate?  Maybe help clean up, or cook some food, be in charge of drinks, offer to take the kids for a bit. Find something to do that allows her more time to focus on the main part of what she wants to do.

In the end, being supportive boils down to finding lots of little ways to help her stay on target, while taking as much extra stuff out of her way as you can.

Them!

Oh no! Giant ants!

Wait... no.
Sorry, wrong them.

The future in-laws!!!!

You've heard the stories.  The mom is a nightmare, the dad will kill you if you blink impolitely.  Best to avoid them, right?

Wrong.

You must not avoid her family. As a matter of fact, jump at it the first chance you get.  You will likely find out that they are, in fact, not soul sucking alien clown vampires from the depths of the ocean.  They might even be, dare I say it, fun. After all, they raised the person you're with.

Now a few notes to help. 
First: be respectful of them. They raised this woman you are in love with. They obviously succeeded, so keep that in mind.
Second: be respectful of their daughter.  This doesn't just mean to be courteous when talking to her.  It means keeping in mind what is appropriate to talk about and keeping her comfort in mind as well.
Third: this is a job interview.  Showing up stoned, drunk, dirty, or unshaven will not benefit you.  You don't have to be clean shaven, just trim it up and be presentable.
Fourth: avoid the big three topics. For those who don't know, these are: Politics, Religion, and Sex.
Fifth: always remember that if everything goes well, you are eventually going to be asking them for permission to wed their daughter and join the family.

Okay so now we have some basics. On to the fun stuff!  Get to know them. Listen to what they talk about and add things in. Or, my personal favorite, sneak the check at a family dinner.  No, really, this is the party game for everyone to enjoy.  The key here is that you have to respect the parents. If they snag the check first, it's game over. So, points if you get the check and can keep it away from them long enough to pay it.  Bonus if they ask the wait staff for the check because they don't know you've already paid it.

Here are some tips to get started. When you arrive at the restaurant, watch the wait staff. You are trying to determine the path they take from the kitchen to whatever table you get. Once you get a table, take an end seat that gives you line of sight to the kitchen. When the meal is over, get a dessert.  While the server is getting the dessert, quietly get your payment card out of your wallet below the table.  When the server comes out of the kitchen, hold the card in your palm, below the table, and turn the front toward the kitchen.   Keeping the card below the table and out of sight of your family, wiggle the card toward the server. The idea here is to catch their eye so they see the card and know what it is.  If done properly, the server will set the dessert on the table in front of everyone and will lower their hand by the end of the table. Slip the card into their hand and then wait for the check, and the fun, to begin.

Change it up and have fun.  One other thing: if they are taking you out for a special reason, such as your birthday, it is poor form to steal the check.

A special thanks to my in-laws for putting up with me and all my fum with this game.  You guys are awesome.

The Check Reach Hypothesis

At what point in a relationship does it become okay for a man to stop paying for everything?

Some might say a year.  Others, perhaps, would say 5 years.  Many might agree with it being okay only after combining bank accounts. A few might ask why the man should pay for everything at any point.  (If you find yourself in this last group, I would say you are either in the right place or about to ignore everything I say.)

There is actually a very simple answer to this question. The man should stop paying for everything when paying for everything becomes expected of him rather than appreciated.

This solves a lot of problems about who pays for what. Quite simply, if she is your queen, why should she pay? 

If you are knee deep in arguments about working hard to make money and are about to talk about what she does or does not do, stop.  Relationships have never been a balance game or a zero-sum game.  Both parties give 100% of what they can at any given time.  Percentages are a wonderful thing. If I have 10 dollars and give up 10, I have given 100% and I am now broke.  You may have 20 dollars.  If you give 10 away, you have matched me in amount but not percentage.  This is important because while some might stick on that amount, the effort and sacrifice is going to be perceived on a percentage level.  I gave up everything I had; you only gave up half.

Let's picture a world where intent was as good as currency. In this world, both parties would put forth an honest offer to pay with every intent to do so if the other person said okay.  In this world, because both parties made a real bid to pay for both, neither had to pay anything. 

Coming back to our world, both people should offer to pay.  Both should reach for the check. It is only fair.  If you both value each other's time and company, why should one pay for the experience and not the other?  In these situations, there are some governing rules that decide who actually gets the check.  First rule: the guy pays.  Second rule: birthdays and instances when the girl has specifically stated she was taking you out are excluded from the first rule.  Third rule: showing off about taking the check is poor form.

See? Simple.  So when does a guy not have to pay the whole check for a date?  When it stops being a date. If the person sitting across from you expects you to pay because they decided to bless you with their presence, they don't respect you and you are not required to gift them any food.  Notice there is an intent aspect here.  My wife doesn't always reach for the check when we go out. She will, however, always make it clear (without explicitly stating it) that she would have taken care of it if I had let her. 

Oh please, sir, stop blathering on and just make it simple...

Fine.  Here is how this should go:
Check arrives at the table. 
Both people begin to reach for it (with intent to pay (no faking)).
Man says something like "I'll take care of that."
Woman thanks the man.

No matter who ends up paying, reach for the check.  If you get the check, pay it.  If you don't, thank the other person for their kindness.  Either way, you have received a great gift.  Cherish the person across from you who sees you as a partner and friend, rather than a wallet with legs.

Does this make me look fat?

There is one question that simply isn't fair no matter who asks it. No matter what the answer, you are either in trouble or assumed to be lying.

So what can you do?  Chances are you don't think she is fat. However, getting her to believe that and understand how you feel is a difficult task.

The solution, believe it or not, is simply not to try. She isn't looking for you to convince her she isn't fat. She is looking for you to connect with her and acknowledge her fear. You don't need to confirm or deny it.

Women are shown, over and over, an unrealistic idea of what some people consider to be beauty.   The image they see is neither realistic, nor beautiful. To them, these images are beaten in until they become some horrible, twisted, half-truths. 

So when she asks if something makes her look fat, tell her it doesn't. Explain to her something you know to be true: no matter what someone else sees as beautiful, she is the most beautiful person in the world to you.  You wouldn't be with her if it were otherwise.  Then, if she isn't convinced, listen to what she wants to do to feel better; ask her what is bothering her specifically and really listen to her response.

Don't rush her response and don't be dismissive. Remember, to her, this is important to how she feels. Your opinions don't matter now. You may feel that she is completely wrong, but if you speak up now, you will never be right.  She needs you to hear her out. Once you have, and once she is done, have her set a goal. Now, commit yourself to helping her work towards whatever goal she sets.  

While struggling through this giant mine field, remember your English classes and the lectures on arguing a point. You must always be willing to acknowledge valid points made by the other side, even if you don't like them.
-Accept what she feels as a fact. Not that it is true, but the fact that she feels that way and that it is valid for her to have her own opinion.
-Strive to understand why she feels that way.
-Explain your own opinion, remembering that it is no more valid than hers.
-Find common ground.  What can you both agree on?
-Seek a common goal.  What do you both find realistic that is in line with her desire to eliminate her insecurities and also concurrs with your opinions?

Once you have aligned yourself with her, shown that you are supportive in helping her achieve what will make her happy, you will have a chance to talk about what you think of her feelings. She has to know, first and foremost, that you are willing to listen to her and understand her viewpoint. Only then can she accept that there may be another valid opinion.

Surgery - How I Ended Up Doing Nothing and Hating It

Long ago, in a place about as far away as I can throw heavy objects, I was healthy.  Aside from allergies and asthma.  Oh, and yearly sinus infections.  I never caught anything, so I could take care of anyone.  I never got injured playing sports; mainly because I didn't play them.  I was reasonably strong; I could open just about any jar.  Yes, I was the picture of health.  At 210Lbs. and 5'5" tall, I was the envy of everyone around me.

Then came the diagnosis, the years of treatment, and finally, The Surgery.  If you ever want to feel completely useless, go have a surgery that puts you on a lifting restriction of 20Lbs or less, and has a recovery time measured in months (plural).  Suddenly you realize just how much you cant do.  Sure, it seems like a good idea before hand; "Hooray, I don't have to lift, or carry, or stress for a while."  But then, you start to realize just how important to you it was to do the things you can not do anymore.  Anyone ever try to get all the groceries out of the car in one trip?  No more!  Think you can go haul a bunch of stuff around? Nope!  Surely, I can hold my daughter and carry her around, right?  Hold up there!  (Luckily my release instructions were lenient enough to allow me to hold my daughter, but the original guess from the nurses was not.)  Everything I didn't even realize I was doing for myself, or someone else, came up to taunt me.

After your surgery, you will spend so much time not doing anything useful that you will start to dream about doing housework and lifting heavy objects.  The first time you dream about lifting the Mack Truck that your couch sits on in the living room with one hand, so you can vacuum under it with the other, you will sit right up in bed, regret this immediately, and your brain will try to figure out just what the hell is going on.

As time goes on, you will begin to feel better and you will be tempted to push these limits.
Do Not Do It!

You have a relationship, a family, a child, or someone else who needs you.  While you might complete the task, you now have a responsibility to think about what happens if something goes wrong while you are trying.  In my case, were I to be injured, my wife and daughter would be having to worry about a lot of stuff since I am the primary income source (not to be confused with the person doing the most work, I am still positive she wins on that one).

So moral of the story:
Recovery sucks, but deal with it because your relationship is worth it, and you need to be healthy to be the best partner you can.


Afterword:
Special thanks to my wife and daughter who help me stay within my limits.  I may be mostly useless now, but I can still make you coffee tomorrow morning.

Health and happiness

So now that everything is running smoothly and you are the envy of every other couple out there, it is time to sit back, relax, and....

COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK....

Wait, no.  Not my beautiful world!  Illness!  Why?!

Okay, calm down.  Don't panic.  I will just man up and power through. My wife won't notice anything beyond my cough.

Okay, anyone who agreed with that needs to really consider how connected they are to their partner.  Of course they will notice. Every day there are hundreds of little things you do. When you are ill, some of these will change. You lose focus, you lose energy, motivation is right out the window.

Yes, you should work through the small stuff. Allergies and small colds, bumps, bruises, couches applied to spleens...

Big things will drag you down in ways you don't even notice. Tell your partner before they notice so that they don't start feeling like they are the cause. When you go from being talkative at night to being quiet and passive, they will notice. You are a part of their life and they shouldn't be in the dark.

If you find yourself on the opposite side of an odd silence, ask them about it. If they are feeling under the weather, it is time to be a supporter. Listen to what they need. This can be as easy as them telling you what they want. Other times it will be obvious signs of effort where there weren't any before. Don't let your partner suffer anything alone. They are a part of you now.  Act like it.

Short things learned by someone short

There are many lessons in life that can have whole blog posts written about them.

Here is a list of things which don't need entire articles:

1. Once you have a child, don't plan full schedules. Plan an item or two, then let your new child fill in the rest. 

2.  A shirt: a burp cloth you wear.

3.  Pants: the burp cloth you won't know you are wearing until you are somewhere nice.

4.  Sometimes you need to declare your love on social media.  Your wife secretly wants to brag about it.

5.  Remember to always spoil your wife. Someone will, why not you?

Beginning a life

It's beginning to look a lot like a family laden holiday full of pitfalls and possibilities. So many opportunities to shine or fail.

So let us make our list then!

First things first, determine your goals for the holiday. Is it important to meet all the family?  Maybe you both want a quiet holiday at home. Figure out what you want most of all and then schedule it. If your goal is family, make plans with each group. You may need multiple days and that is okay. Don't worry about how long it will take.

Next, gifts. You both need to agree on a budget for each other. Stick to the budget. Don't play games with it. You don't want to be on either side of something unbalanced. 

Now that you have a budget. Look for clues. If your significant other is a practical person, have they talked about something useless?  How about something that makes no sense?  These are clues. When all else fails, take a wild guess at something they might like, find something similar looking, then ask their opinion.  If they don't like it, go in a different direction. Keep trying. While a gift card is acceptable for many people, don't do that to your significant other unless they ask for one.

If you are really at a loss, here are some ideas:
Music
Jewelry
Movies
Jewelry
Automatic car starts
Jewlery

When in doubt, find something related to her hobby. 

This is also a good time to plan for their birthday and future holidays. See if they have a bucket - list that you can cross something off of. 

Finally, all the gifts are purchased, the decorating is done, now all that is left to do is wait for the right day.  So while you are waiting, make a tradition for your family. Go light hunting, bake cookies, watch old sci-fi movies. Pick something and make a memory of it. Then do it each year.

Some parting thoughts:
Your biggest gift (presentation-wise) should be to your significant other.

Once you start a family, they are your primary concern.

Don't let anyone tell you how to be a family.

Enjoy the holiday.

Oh! Hello, my noisy offspring!

Ahh sleep. The glorious periods where you succumb to unconciousness and relax.  Brilliant times of complete and total oblivion. These long times are what you will wish for as you start your journey. Your friends with kids were right.  Why didn't I get more sleep? 

Well, take heart, it doesn't work like that anyway.  Even if you slept for 20 hours prior to birth, chances are you will still be tired 12 to 16 hours later.  The bad part is not that you can't get enough hours, you certainly can between feedings, but that you only get about an hour each time. 

This is torture but you will get used to it. Here are a few things to remember that can help:
1.  It doesn't matter how long, just sleep. Even if you know you don't like short naps. You may not get much else.
2.  Your partner is just that.  A partner.  Not a minion.  Certainly not an enemy.
3.  Everyone is tired. Believe me, if your baby could stay asleep and not be hungry, they would. They don't hate you. They just only have enough stomach for a walnut. Just one.  How long can you go on one walnut?
4.  If baby can have a midnight snack, so can you. Just don't go overboard. (Also, don't have your snack be buttered popcorn.  Some smells are just too similar)
5.  Babies will let you know when they are hungry... except if they are sick, jaundiced, tired, lazy, bored, excited, scared, or hungry.  In these cases, they will cry an refuse to take food.  Trust me, they want the food, but the don't know what it is or that they need to stop screaming to get it. Keep trying. A bottle can help. Forcing a feeding schedule works best. Yes it means waking a sleeping baby every few hours, but believe me, if they go 4 or 5 hours without food, they will cry for ages and not take much food.  You will be up all night. 
6.  Mama is tired and sore.  Add to this the  possibilities of baby blues and depression that can happen now and we find her taking on too much. Even if it is just a couple hours in the evening, take baby and a bottle and let her take a nap. 
7.  Plan to take a weekend off after birth.  Don't go anywhere or do anything requiring getting decently dressed or meeting people you know.
8.  Let your wife be a baby too. Spend a day letting her rest and recover while you bring both mom and baby food.
9.  Go to bed early. I mean early. You won't get to sleep right away because it is new, but winding down will let you slip back and forth between sleep and awake easier.
10.  If your baby needs phototherapy, take them to a hospital and stay with them if possible. Children's hospitals are great about this, have the uv equipment, and go nuts about taking care of the parents as well as the baby. There may be home options, but they take longer and you also need to consider just how well you will sleep if you are worrying.  The nurses know what to watch for and can spot it long before you even know it is there. For your sanity, just go to the hospital.
11.  Your baby will eventually grow a larger stomach and sleep longer. Once that happens, you too will see sleep again.
12.  Hug your wife, tell her what a great job she is doing.

What to pack for the hospital

Having just arrived home from the hospital as a new father, let me share a few things you will need and what can be left at home.

Take a Kindle or book. You want something you can instantly put down and pick up as needed. If your wife is into a book, take that too.  I spent a good deal of time, both before and after the birth, reading to my wife. An added bonus here is that it instantly cements you in as the storyteller. This can help with gatekeeper syndrome.

Take liquids.  Soda, juice, water, anything. Plan on enough to last for 3 days. You can get tap water at the hospital but anything else is on you and may be at a premium if you buy it there.

Take cash or food. A large number of hospitals are starting to let guests order room service as well. However, while your wife's food is covered, yours is not; they only take cash at your room.  Plan for 15 dollars per meal and at least 2 meals a day. If you don't spend it, bonus.  If you bring food, bring a variety so you don't have tuna salad 5 meals in a row.  Most waiting rooms here have microwaves. Almost like they have the expectation that people could be here a while...

1 outfit for a newborn.  0-3 months is not newborn.  Trust me.  My daughter looked hilarious in the outfit we took.  I know it says 0 months, but trust me, this is different.

Burp cloths, receiving blankets, gloves.  They won't let you take theirs and you will want them 5 minutes into the drive home.
Note: baby nails get sharp quick.

Speaking of the drive home, clean the back seat.  You are riding back alone in the front. Mama will be next to baby.

Clothes for you and mama.  Take things that are comfortable and stretchy. Think pajama pants or sweats. Yoga pants work too. For you: whatever you don't mind wandering the food court and halls in as long as you can sleep in it.

Boppie. Do it. Now. Babies are heavy. 7 pounds never felt like this. You will also want to hold your baby, and you will want this fantastic armrest.

For labor: LED candles, aroma therapy oils, music, and anything else that makes her relaxed.

ALL YOUR MEDICATIONS.  I don't care if you haven't had an asthma attack in 3 years. Pack the inhaler. Stress will set off every thing you have.

Phone charger. Camera. Something easy to do together while she feeds baby.   In my case I read more. Whatever you can do to feel connected to her while she is feeding will be appreciated.

Donuts. Two dozen. Give them to the nurses station on your way in. They are going to be answering every little worry you have. They deserve it.

Last but not least:  earplugs.  Your wife is going to likely have a needle put in her spine. You know you can handle it. Just jam in your earplugs and don't listen to the doctor describing what he is doing. Otherwise, be prepared to meet the floor. It's nice and cool and full of laughter, or maybe that was the other people in the room. If you feel like you are having problems, let your nurses know. Apparently, while I knew what was happening and let them know - allowing me to get safely to the floor - some people try to fight it and don't say anything until they pass out. Then they hit their head and get a free trip to the ER where they miss out on the birth of their child.  

When it is all over, make sure you brought your emotional stamina. Your wife is about to take a wild roller-coaster of emotional fun and will need your support.

My deepest thanks to the folks at Good Samaritan hospital in Broomfield, CO.  You were all amazing.

Things they don't tell you

Finally coming into the last few days of our pregnancy.  (Yes, ours.  We are both in this together, right?)  Now to take a moment and look back at this adventure.  So many things run through your mind when you hear the first news.  So many of your friends will give you information on what to expect.  Oddly, so will a lot of strangers.  A large amount of this is rediculous. I don't care what your magical fairy waffle cone tells you, you won't be having a unicorn (or a raptor... sad). 

So what can I expect? 

Well, expect a lot of money to disappear.  Seriously, you won't know where it is coming from or even that it could be spent but it will leave you faster than a snow cone from satan. 

Expect time to disappear.
Before you know it, you will be in child care classes, CPR classes, new daddy classes, and how to pack for the hospital classes. At least the last one is usually taught by your wife, so the instructor is pretty good looking.

Expect junk food to disappear.
Somewhere along the line you realize your parents weren't as evil as you always said and they weren't keeping you from junk food out of spite.  There seems to be some wierd switch in our brains that flips to healthier.  Not healthy, just healthier.  Instead of a cabinet full of cookies and good and plenty, I have only a small shelf...

Expect your belt to disappear.
Your stomach will one day look at it and go, "That is a strip of cow.  I like cow."  You will never see it again.

Augh!  This is horrible!  Why would we do this? 

Well, simply put, you do it because you are biologically programmed to. 

That doesn't mean it is as bad as it sounds though. 

You never noticed the money in the first place, and some of it came from friends and family, so that's not so bad. 

The classes are actually informative and helpful. In addition, they can help you communicate with your wife.  There are some great researchers out there... look up master Vs disaster couples and learn about how to properly argue.  It may save your life.

You probably shouldn't eat so much junk food. But if you must, look at it this way; you know it is fresh now. 

As for your belt...  it was a good belt.

Something to consider though, I am a week away from our due date. The hardest part of it all has been seeing my wife deal with the discomfort of an ornery child trying to pluck her tendons like guitar strings. Waiting for baby to arrive is a close second. As much as I used to want to avoid children, I am really looking forward to my own.

Smart life choices

Every day comes with a certain amount of freedom and a certain amount of required things.  People have a tendency to try to determine what is a priority based on the people around them. To put things simply, though, you really can't make that work until you surround yourself with people who have goals and ambitions that work with your own.  So, in a very iterative process, we slowly work towards finding our own goals. We find friends based on our current goals, evaluate our goals, make friends who line up with these goals, then refine our goals further.

Marriage brings a new light and weight to this whole process. Where you once only had to worry about your own goals and choices, now you have another person who relies on you to make proper choices and work with them to create a happy relationship. If this feels like it is not always easy, then I have good news for you!  It is not always going to be easy.

A proper relationship, like anything else worth having, is going to be something you always work at. You don't get to take a break. You don't get to give up. You don't get to just do whatever you want. If you are thinking that it sounds like a horrible thing, you are wrong.

To be fair, it isn't your fault.  We spend so much time listening to people talk about marriage being all about compromise and servitude.  I don't see why it has to be either one. If you make one priority for yourself, make it this: learn to make your significant other happy within your means, then take pleasure in their happiness. 

Now, let us be clear: this is not a free pass for them to be obsessed with what you can get them. When we are talking about doing things within your means, I intend that you will be doing more and buying less. Open a door, drive her somewhere so she doesn't have to, go with her to her favorite store, clean that hallway that is bugging her, make breakfast once in a while (bonus point for delivery to the bed).  The idea is not to just buy things, but to make an honest effort to understand what will make their day a little brighter and then do it. Behavior like this tends to make the other person want to do the same and your significant other will likely take an interest in what makes you happy and try to make that happen as well. Once you reach this point, the prioritization of things becomes second nature. Compromise is no longer something you are doing, you are simply working to make both of you happy. You will soon find yourself moving trips to her store or spa up the list not because you feel it is required, but because it makes you both happy. Servitude, in the sense that you are doing things for them that you don't want to do, goes away as well.  You aren't doing things because you have to, you do them so they don't have to.

Make your marriage or relationship a priority for your life.  You may just find it to be the happiest thing you ever do.

One last note: reciprocity is important.  You should both consider this post.

On being a gentleman

What is a Gentleman?

Some would have you believe a gentleman is a mythological creature.  A lost part of history that may or may not have ever existed.

Many tend to bring up the term "Chivalrous" as if it answered the entire question.  They especially like to throw this around as it pertains to women.  The code of chivalry I have read contains only one line about women:
To Respect the Honour (if we are going that far back, might as well spell it their way) of Women.

In reality, Chivalry is NOT dead; as so many people like to throw out. Rather, we seem to have forgotten a bit of it along the way.  In an age where Kings ruled and Knights were there for the protection of a realm, it became apparent to someone that the ruling class should have some rules themselves.  The primary idea of Chivalry was that the upper classes must act in a way befitting someone in such a position.  Thus, if one could afford a giant stone house and the people to clean it and guard it, one could afford to treat those unable to do so with a bit more compassion than they treat each other.  A king should always act in the best interest of those he ruled.  A knight, as an extension of this ruler, must also always act in the interest of those being ruled.  They must be honest, trustworthy, and not the kind of person to use another for personal gain.  No one ever starts out this way.  It is a decision to be made by each person.

As the ages of kings died out, the rules governing men of this level were continued on in Gentlemen.  Men of sufficient upbringing to take on the responsibilities of the Ruling class.

So how should a Modern Gentleman Act?

Well, largely the same, really.  The basic tenets of the old code are largely still applicable with only slight modifications.

- To protect the weak and defenseless - seems rather straightforward.
- To provide aid to widows and orphans - no argument there.
- To refrain from the wonton giving of offense -  Wait, trolling is bad?
- To live by honor and for glory - got it: shut up, mean what you say, do the right thing.
- To despise monetary reward - Look, we can disagree all over the place here, but bottom line, do it because it should be done, not because you might get money for it.
- To fight for the welfare of all - Maybe not with fists or swords, but support something.
- To obey those placed in authority - As a thinking person, I can mostly agree with this, If it is wrong, then fight to change it.
- To guard the honor of fellow knights - how about to guard the honor of everyone?
- To eschew unfairness and deceit - don't lie or cheat.
- To see something you started to the end - Okay, I am sure I am not alone in needing to work on this one.
- To respect the honor of women - (modern day; modern spelling) just do it.
- Never refuse a challenge from an equal - unless it is a stupid challenge that goes against any of the above.


One last thing:
If you are dating my daughter, I am the person in Authority, and no, you may not challenge it.  I am NOT your equal.

The front door postulation

What if I told you there was a simple way to help ensure the future happiness of both you and your partner?  What if I told you it would only take a few minutes a day and is as easy as saying two sentences?  The next time your significant other comes home, try these steps:
1. Put down whatever you may be doing.
2. Walk to the door.
3. Hug them (really mean it; don't just go through the motions)
4. Say, "Welcome home, my <insert term of affection>!" (If you are at a loss, try: love, dear, wife, husband, life, etc..  Remember to use a positive term; heinous money sink probably won't produce the desired result.)
5. Ask how their day was.
Now for the hard part:
6. Listen to what they tell you.
7. Determine if they have had a good day.
7a. If they have had a bad day, listen to what made it bad.  Do not act yet.
7b. Once they have told you why they had a bad day, listen more. 
7c. Keep listening until they have really finished.
7d. Now, ask if there is anything you can do to improve their day.
7e. If they give you something to do, do it properly.
8. Repeat this daily.

Now, some notes about the above.  If you are in the middle of something that you can not put down immediately,  welcome them home, let them know where you are and what is keeping you. Once it is safe to do so, put down whatever you were working on, then follow the steps.  Finally, only let it stop you if it would be unsafe to put it down.  If it's the middle of a football game, buy a DVR and pause it. Your significant other will appreciate the attention more than your team.

If you follow these steps, you may just find they are happier and willing to even let you return to things you were doing. They may not even hate sports/nascar/hunting/hairstyling or whatever else it is you want to do.  They just need to know you value them above your hobby or project.

Taming the wild beast

Okay, so we have learned that we must split the work.  We have learned to cook.  We have learned to only give gifts as gifts, not as penance.  All done here, right?  Nope.  Not even close. Now that we have a few basics out of the way, we must dive even deeper into home life. We are about to move into the dreaded realm of handy work.  

Oh the horror!

Yep, it is time to learn a skill. A proper skill that will save money, if not time. Plumbing or basic electrical work are both handy skills. I am not saying you should be able to replace a tub or wire up a whole house.  The ability to repair a leaky toilet, or replace an outlet that has gone bad, can save both time and money.

In my personal experience, most jobs seem like more work than they are. A leaky toilet can be a simple bit of sanding glue and a new part.  A bad outlet is a couple screws (maybe 7).  The cost to have someone do this for you is probably somewhere around $100, and most of that is labor.  The parts for each of these repairs are probably less than $20.  In addition, most hardware stores will be happy to walk you through the repair.  They usually have books on all types of repairs as well. 

Do yourself a favor: get a book, read up.  Get a basic understanding of how it works, then learn to fix it.  The money you save, and the time you don't have to wait for someone to fix it for you, will make you both happy.

Oh, don't screw it up, and don't be stupid.  Electricity is deadly and water is destructive.  Really make sure you understand how to safely work on each.

Team work

This is a subject with which I have significant difficulty.  Having spent a significant number of my younger years avoiding work, I know that I am very good at it.  With that said, my goal with my wife is not to let her do more than she should.  I struggle everytime I hear that she is working because I am worried I have slacked off too much.  Ideally, neither of us would have to do any work.  I keep looking for a way to make that happen but the answer keeps hiding itself and mocking me.  Thus I am forced to conclude that I am going to have a certain amount of work that must be done.

Ok, so how much is mine?
Let us set a total workload of: laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, lawn work, and painting.
Okay, well we could divide it up based on a guess of the number of hours required.  We could sort it alphabetically and cut it in half.  We could separate, one inside and one outside.  We could play poker for it... the list goes on.  In reality, as far as I can tell, the actual answer is: all of it.   I am responsible for making sure it all gets done. 

Hold on now!  How is that team work?  You have all the work, what does she have?  Well, she has all the work as well.  You entered into a real relationship where you both share responsibility for everything. If the lawn doesn't get mowed, it isn't her fault any less than it is yours.  If the dishes aren't done, you are just as much at fault as she is.  Yes, you are quite capable of cleaning.

Take responsibility for everything that needs to be done. Truly work at the entire list.  If you both work on the same thing then you have each other to talk to and keep company.  If you work on separate things, that is fine as well.  Just remember,  if you come in from mowing the lawn and she is still working at the sink, pitch in and help.  The beer after will taste so much better with her by your side.

Also, before you leap at my eyes and spleen for typing in traditional gender roles, ket us remember that I am trying to help men be better husbands. The first step in breaking gender roles is for all people to realize they don't have to define you. 

My wife can weed whack better than anyone. 

I'm off to make potatos for dinner.